Time For Life-Coaching With India...Aren't You Just Thrilled?

Okay, so I feel better. I think the little sob-fest I had over the weekend really lightened the load on my heart. Plus, Keegs's post (the one about I-love-you's) really inspired me. I truly and firmly believe that if we all said "I love you" to people we truly loved, the world would be a much nicer place to live in.

Some people are turned off by this idea and I can't understand why that is.

Those people obviously don't know how crucial it is to both your own mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being as well as that of the person whom you love. I went around both Facebook and Blogger messaging the people I love. In those messages I told them I love them, and I can only hope their day was brightened because of it. I know it made me feel better.

I challenge you: Go out and tell your loved ones how you feel. Moms and dads don't really count unless you don't normally do that kind of thing with them. But extended family? Friends? They need to hear it. Regardless of whether or not you think they already know, they need to hear it.

That's it. That's my monologue of the day. Rather light considering my previous state of despair, but what can I say? Life is rollercoaster of emotion. You can cry the whole way through and regret ever getting on or you can hop out slightly battered and bruised, but ready for another ride.

So Deep That I Didn't Even Scream

I need something else, would someone please just give me? Hit me, knock me out, and let me go back to sleep. I can laugh all I want inside I still am empty. So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me...
- "All That I've Got", by The Used

Rotten. That's how I feel right now. Absolutely rotten rotten rotten!

Why can't you come here? Pack up next year and fly out. We'll all be together again, and Exeter will be a better place because it will have people like you. You're all more than smart enough to get in, and it hurts my soul to know this. My days feel empty without you here. I float, wraith-like, pathetically, from group to group. I return always to the same two girls but wish that I didn't because they're not people I thought they were. Lonerdom is looking better than they're company at this point, and at times I relish the solitude from people. Just call me antisocial.

I miss George's witty conversation, and the stuff that Keegan and Amara say that more often than not makes no sense at all. I miss talking music and deep things with Camille, and I miss Harry well...being Harry. I miss Johan's hyperactivity, though I never thought I'd say it. I miss Camille Sheets's sarcasm. I miss your smiles and your laughs, and the little arguments that broke out over nothing at all.

I'm torn between chopping off my hair and pretending to be a boy so that I can go to St. Francis with Harry, setting aside my love for the male species and going to Sacred Heart with Camille, ignoring my dislike of Maranatha to be with Sheets and Blankets and Keegan, or resigning myself to ugly uniforms at La Salle.

No one here gets it. No one here will ever understand me, and know me like you guys do.

I know it's belated, but I'm crying like a baby as I write this. I wish I had told you guys much I loved you before I left. Because I do, I love you guys so so so so much. I can't breathe without you here and it feels like a part of me has been violently ripped away. It was so fast and so deep that I couldn't even scream.

Until now. Inside I'm screaming loud as I can, because it's hurts like crazy when your heart is ripped out.

I Wish I Could Come Up With A Clever Title

Okay, well again the title has little to nothing to do with what I'm actually going to talk about...I just wish that I had a clever name to assign to this post.

Anyway, so news numero un:

I found my in! If you don't get that, it means that I found my way into where I want to be. And where I want to be is friends with Blu. We're calling him Blu for my sake so that if he stumbles upon this...wait. He'll still figure it out...hmmm...we'll call him Blu anyway. He is so called because of the fact that he has blue hair! Blue! Well, it used to be blue. Lately, it's faded to more of a lavender-like color. I assume this is because it's not permanent and because he has really light blond hair which kinda warps the color...I like though (obviously).

So, Blu is pretty much the epitome of cool. He has lime green Andy Warhol sunglasses, and is...amazing, for lack of a better word. He's the head of AFC (Arthouse Film Club), which is pretty much like my Laemmle away from home. We watched this really cool documentary about how gays, lesbians, transgenders, and bisexuals are portrayed in the media and how far they've come. So it got me thinking...we should watch mockumentaries next week and compare! Mind you, I did this with absolutely no intention of gaining recognition from him. I just wanted people to have a good time and maybe stimulate a bit more conversation.

I had it all planned, what we should watch and everything. I emailed him (I know...I was amazed by my willingness to step outside my comfort zone, too...) and he emailed back saying that he liked the idea (yay!), and I then proceeded to play "Love Today" by Mika and do my little happy dance. I sent him my second email with the four movies I chose (Best in Show, Lollilove, Mail Order Wife, and Chalk, in case you were wondering) and waited for his thoughts on the titles.

No email. What I got was better. The next night I went to GSA and he actually came up to me and was like "Hey, India? Are you the one that's been emailing me?" Yes. "Oh my gosh, you're- You're so-Good job, okay? Keep it up."

Yay.

I'm pretty sure we would have talked more, but then the GSA people told us we had to move to the other room to take a picture...and then he had to go. But that little moment of recognition, that moment in which he was speechless...it was magical.

Let's get one thing straight: I do not, I repeat, do not like Blu. He just...I dunno, has the kind of cool vibe that draws me in. I want to be friends with him. That's all. I want him to be my cool, reminds-me-of-my-friends-back-home, senior buddy. Get it?

Good. Now onto big news numero deux:

I saw Spencer (who will receive know codename simply because I can't think of one) in a situation whch awkward for myself. I went with my friend to the Puja room in the basement and waited for her lesson. I knocked on the door (because Katie is wuss and can't do it on her own) and pushed it open. The intstructor kindly asked me to wait just a bit longer as he wanted to finish up the lesson. But not before I got an eyeful of Spencer's pasty, veerrrryyy naked torso.

Awkward turtles anyone?

So Spencer, who I once viewed as a particularly cool individual (much like Blu) will forever be burned into my brain as the guy I saw in the Puja room without a shirt on. You know what the funny thing is? When he saw me, he looked at me like I was the weird one.

Hmm...that's all for today...Though it was awful long, no? Oh well.

Egg Salad Sandwich

First off, let me begin by saying that I almost mispelled 'sandwich'. That's not really important though. Actually, the title of this post has nothing to do with the fact that I'm eating an egg salad sandwich right now, and everything to do with why I'm eating one.

But before I go into that, you must first understand that my school is strange. For one, I have classes on Saturday. I guess it's okay...I mean what would I do? I'm at freaking boarding school so it's not like I'm free to go anywhere. Anyway, there was no class today so I had a "long weekend". Let me tell you, it sucked.

It's Parent's Weekend and since my mom is on the other side of the country she couldn't exactly fly out to say hi. This being the case, I was left alone, the two girls I hang out with went home. It's times like these I wish I had tried harder at making friends rather than just settling for the first people who didn't act like I was invisible.

Anyway, I spent the better part of the day in my room doing homework, only leaving for meals and to watch 21 at 7:00. I then went to the cafe and bought an egg salad sandwich and a bag of chips. I feel like crap. It was too hard for me to sit around and watch everyone else be buddy buddy, so I'm eating in my room.

Sigh...Is it so much to ask that when I try to make a friend out of an aqaintence that they reciprocate the effort? Really? Am I just so weird? I don't think I'm weird. But maybe I'm wrong. Oh well, it seems it can't be helped. Lonerdom isn't so bad, actually. At this point I kind of prefer it to human contact, for the simple reason that all human contact seems to be with creepers (i.e. Evan Linn-- i think that's how you spell his last name...).

This would be a lot easier if people who shared my likes and dislikes weren't seniors and juniors. They obviously don't care about a little frosh such as myself, but they also seem to be the only people who aren't completely shallow.

I miss my cool kids.

{BTW, Island? You guys is the cool kids.}

Trying To Save Piggy Sneed

Junior Studies.



Arguably one of the most frustrating classes here at Exeter. It's not so much academcially challenging as sometimes fun sometimes not. Example?



Well, the fiction excerpts are great, but the little blips about New Hampshire back in yesteryear? Yeah, not so fun. The discussions are wonderful...until Evan opens his mouth. But then again I may be biased. You don't know who Evan is, and I'm not going to tell you. At least not today. That's another post for another time.



No, today we talk about Trying to Save Piggy Sneed by John Irving. This itty bitty short story is easily one of the most depressing I have ever read. It made me cry.



Piggy Sneed is the beginning of a memoir by John Irving, who not-so-coincidently grew up in Exeter, NH and attened Phillips Exeter Academy. When he was a small boy, living with his grandmother on Front Street John tormented the mentally challenged garbage collector, Piggy Sneed. Piggy resembled a pig in many ways. One, he smelled. Bad. Apparently he lived in the barn with his pigs. There was no barnhouse, just the barn. Two, he couldn't talk. Instead he snorted and grunted and squealed. Not on pupose, of course. The mental retardation and lack of human companionship had something to do with it I imagine.

Anyway, so little John and his neighborhood buddies (the Front Street Kids) tormented Piggy every chance they got, frightening the living bejeezers out of him. However, John's ever polite grandmother was never anything but kind to Piggy, going so far as to compliment the pigs he brought with him on his trash run. That the was enough to make my heart bleed for Piggy.

But it didn't stop there. Oh no, it got worse.

John ends up at PEA (Phillips Exeter Academy) and volunteers for the Stratham volunteer fire department. Now, understand that Exeter itself is a pretty small town. But if Exeter is small, then Stratham is rustic beyond all hopes of redemption. This is also where Piggy Sneed lives.

One night, the Sneed barn goes up in flames. The smell of burning pig feces, roasting pig, and charred wood infiltrate the night. In that time, there wasn't much to do about the fire but let it burn out. Eventually the snow below it would put it out.

John spun a bit of fiction about how Piggy and his pigs must've hauled out of town and left the barn and the people of NH for good. That was all good and well...until they found Piggy and his only real friends charred to crips amid the wreckage of the barn. By this time I was bawling.

How on Earth can anyone be so cruel to the mentally retarded? Why did Piggy have to die? Why?

I don't know why it hurt so deep, maybe it has something to do with the fact that my grandmother had mental problems of her own. I'm used to these kinds of people and I can't understand when people put them down.

Even now, I must push down tears of both pain and anger. Piggy Sneed made my heart bleed and I don't know why. But God, I wish I could do something about it.

Glee Club and Barnacles

If you couldn't already tell by the title, I'm in somewhat of a good mood today. Why? Well, let me give you a run down on what's happened since the last post:

1)I made some friends. Katie and Ana are womderful. And I've met two other girls called Sam and Gina. I lurver them and am slightly depressed that none of the girls I've bonded with are in my dorm. Not that I don't like my dormies. No, not at all! They're all really great girls and I do my best to say hello ane be warm whenever I see them. The fact of the matter is that we have little to nothing in common and I feel that if we ever tried to go beyond a simple salutation the conversation would go south pretty quickly.

2) I now have Kurt Cobain's lovely voice saved to my computer and can listen to him should it strike my fancy.

3) CUTE BOYS. Yeah, this one's a bit shallow, but if you saw some of the boys in my school, you'd give them their own number as well.

4) Barnacles. Okay, so yesterday I had Bio and guess what we shoved under our sterescopes? That's right, barnacles! Did you know the little buggers are alive? Well, under a 'scope you can see them open and close their little shells and throw out their feathery appendages to catch food. The animal kingdom is glorious, no?

5) I'm learning French. Bien, oui?

6) GLEE CLUB! I have just joined Glee Club and could not be happier! Something about hearing all those voices come together...It just sooo inspiring. And though I've barely talked to him, I absolutely adore my director, Mr. Turner. He talked me into doing it even though I barely read notes and understand like zero muscial theory.

So, I imagine anyone who's reaading this might think "Glee Club? WTF you geek!" Well, those people don't understand the beauty and comraderie that comes from lifting your voice with a multitude. I felt like that was were I belonged...Not out of place one bit, which is odd since, again, I can't read music.

Some people get called to the clergy...some to humanitarianism...me?
I got called to Glee Club.

"It doesn't need to be right, it just needs to be beautiful."
-- Mr. Turner

New School

Hmm...so here I am, Phillips Exeter: Where the best of the best go to be better. I wanted it, I wanted it sooo bad. But now? Well, it's lovely and all but the friends thing is a little discouraging.

Day One (for me at least) I hung out with these two chicks in my dorm. We'll call them Laura and Ashley for anonymity's sake. It was cool, I guess...I mostly talked to Ashley. But something was off. Laura didn't quite seem to enjoy my presence and their was a tangible tensity in the air.

Today, I found better people. Today I met Katie in a seminar and in the next one met her roommate, Ana. I like these girls...as far as I can tell, they like me too.

Anyway, I went to this barbeque thing for dinner, but couldn't find my new friends. I spotted Laura with a group of people and decided to try my chances with her. When I asked her casually why I hadn't seen her all day, she calously replied, "Class and stuff" before dimissing me from her circle of social butterflies.

So, being extremely self-conscious, I grabbed some food and walked over to a wall where I sat in boredom as the happy people a few feet away hugged and joked and pretty much just spewed a fountain of bliss. I must admit, I was a bit jealous.

Luckily, just as I was about to leave I found Ana doing some sort of Bingo/Scavenger hunt thing and spent sometime with her. I also found out that where the bookstore is (crap...first day of class tomorrow...i need to get those...) and then proceeded to my dorm, where I seem to be bereft of a kindred spirit.

Anyway, while I'm psyched for school, the whole making friends bit is a little foreign to me. People back home seem to think I'll make friends easy squeezy lemon peezy, but that's not the case. Apparently I'm not nearly as magnetic as I thought I was. I can't help it if I don't like walking up to people and just saying "hi!!!" out of blue...sue me.

Also..haha, little side note: Facebook can ruin otherwise wonderful first meetings. For example: I know a whole bunch of people on FB and I figured I'd make friends faster that way...WRONG! It just made my first meeting with people that much more awkward. I even saw a few older kids I added, but decided against talking to them because 1) Um..the awkwardness of introducing yourself like this: Hey! I know you! You're on Facebook, right? Yeah...I added you but I don't we really talk. Me? Oh, yeah I'm India...you know me, right? 2) Because they were already talking to people they've been knowing for much longer than me and that would sufficiently awkward enough to last me lifetime.


The Hatter

Oh, and PS: There's a guy who's either a Prep or a Lower who looks like Tom Mcclean (frezned on youtube for those who don't know) and I've decided to tell him so tomorrow...if I can find him and don't lose my nerve, that is!