After Thoughts

Friends are tricky things.

Sometimes the weird kid grows attached to you. You're nice and so are they, at first. But then they go strange on you and you can't push them away because you know that you're their only friend. At least, I've never been able to push that kid away. Maybe people more invested in their sanity have done it.

Sometimes you're the weird kid. Sometimes you're the one with the happy, hopeful smile on your face, oblivious to the resentment and digust that your "best friend" feels for you.

I've known what the first example feels like, but not the second. At least not in its full force.

I know what it's like when you suddenly feel...less friendly. When people start keeping secrets from you. Or when they simply "forget" you. I've learned that when it comes to acquaintences, people tend to have very selective memories.

You know that kid? The one that when you write up the guest list is always the after thought? The one that gets scribbled in, more out of obligation than affection?

I feel like that kid sometimes. Not with everyone, I'm not that self-pitying. It's only certain people. I can't be mad, because after thoughts are uncontrollable. You can't force yourself to remember things like that. But even if I can't be mad, I can still feel awful.

I seem to have a knack for meeting the worst kinds of people for myself. There's always someone who will beat me into the ground. But I keep coming back. Sometimes I think that I subconsciously enjoy it. Why else would I hang on?

But I'm not anymore. I'm letting go. If that means we can't speak ever, then I'm going to let myself be okay with that. I don't care that maybe all that pain you caused was accidental. It only makes me wonder what you could if you were trying.

I don't want this to sound weepy or...I dunno. Because this is me telling myself that I'm getting rid of the muck in my life. I can't keep a real journal to save my life, but I need proof somewhere that I made this promise to myself, that I need to be accountable. No turning back.

So I'm throwing you off my shoulders. I'm walking away. No goodbyes.

Something tells me you wouldn't notice anyway. Maybe that's for the best.