It's 6:07am

It's 5:18am right now and I haven't even looked at this site since...well, since I wrote my last post. I think I should start really trying to make this a weekly thing instead of letting stuff pile up in my head and in my chest.

In the first place, I think it's quite clear that I cannot sleep. Why? I wish it was something romantic and poetic about the stars shining too bright or something. But I live in Los Angeles, so let's be real. There are no stars here.

No, I can't sleep, because my mind is a scary place, and when I close my eyes I can do nothing but wander in its nether regions. You see, I've seen a lot of bad stuff. I'm not quite old enough to say that, but I have. Usually I can truck on through, but tonight is different. In fact, there have only been two instances in my life where I truly could not, dared not sleep. Tonight is one of them. The other was the time I had a conversation about the end of the world in the ass crack of New Year's morning. That night I "went to bed" around 2am-3ish. Didn't fall asleep til God knows when. And even then I only slept for a couple hours before watching the sun rise through a friend's curtains. In my head I could see the world tumbling to an end. All fire and wrath and what have you.

Tonight is similar, I suppose, in that what's keeping me awake is more or less an idea. It's the idea that people and world and everything is so colossally fucked up. I mean, we're really sick nowadays, yeah? Everything is for the sake of shock value. How badly can I make them hurt? What does it take to make them squirm? We like to play God with people's heads and it scares me beyond anything.

Earlier today (er, yesterday, I guess...) I saw a trailer for a disturbing film. I won't tell you what it is, because I'm not one for spreading what I know will be sickening to a lot of people. It would be your choice and all, but curiosity is a dangerous thing. That's how I arrived at it myself. A friend said a picture reminded her of it, without really saying what it was. So I looked it up.

In short, it went to place I don't think a horror movie has ever gone and it actually sickened me to the point of tears. Even as I try to explain, I feel the churn in my belly. Now, let me follow that with this: I am generally not sensitive to blood and gore. It's organic, what we're made of. All the same, most horror movies are simply in bad taste. But this was beyond that. It was more than the images. It was the thought, the idea. And the director said that this movie was just to get people "used to the idea", because there will be more like it.

That's what kills me. I don't think this was just some fluke. I think this is the beginning of something worse. I mean, he said that it all started from some bad joke he made about pedophiles and perverts. But is he any better for putting this exhibition of human cruelty out there for everyone to see? I mean, how is that better? Violation is violation. Sodomy is sodomy, be it in your head or elsewhere. It is no better and no worse. Unless you make it about choice, but is it because we chose to see it? Frankly, I don't think so. I made the decision to watch the trailer with no idea as to what it was about. That's not right. And maybe it was my fault for not reading a synopsis first or something, but I don't think that would change things.

And that's that problem. If I can stumble onto this, anyone can. I understand that for some people this movie will be fabulous. They'll love it. Some people will hate it, but for reasons entirely different. I get it.

In the end, it's not really about the movie. It's about our world and how easy it is now to put an idea into it, the kind of ideas that keep you up at night, the kind that make you go mad.

It's 5:53am now. I suppose I'm done, though it doesn't mean I'll sleep. The rest of my house will wake up in a few minutes now and I won't be so alone. Maybe tonight will be different.